The Tinder Test

Don't judge me. I downloaded Tinder.

I'd say it was for a laugh but I was genuinely interested. I thought I'd give it a go and see what happens. I've since deleted it but in hindsight, it was a fascinating insight into first impressions and how we judge people.

I went on two Tinder dates. Both just in town for a coffee and they were perfectly nice people but we didn't really click. I wasn't looking for anything serious however, I considered that perhaps a first date isn't enough to really assess a person. I didn't really talk to these two again and one of the reasons was because I wasn't getting the right vibes from them. Then someone recently made me reconsider that first impressions can differ a huge amount to how you might perceive them later on.

It doesn't just go for dates.  My flatmates, who I moved in with back in September last year, are not the same people I thought they were in the first week. I thought a couple of them probably wouldn't be the kind of people that I usually get on with but, now they're the closest people to me at university - physically and figuratively. I didn't even consider that we might have the same sense of humour or that we had such similar interests. Similarly, looking back on previous relationships, my first impression of those people was different to how I perceive them now and how I perceived them whilst we were together.
But, if we really took this to heart when scrolling through Tinder, we would pick out and look at in detail each potential date, studying each photo and why they decided to display this one and not another. Perhaps you'd talk to every single one of your matches, probe them with questions, even assess their use of emojis.

But, online personas are rarely totally reliable. You may get on better online than you do in real life. Maybe you think you like one person but you discover that they're different to who you thought they were. At the same time you may have swiped past someone who you would have gotten on really well with, a potential soul mate, someone you knew when you were a child but didn't recognise initially.

Strange how a simple swipe can dictate one's future relationships.

Additionally people will change in your eyes too, even if you've known them for a really long time. With the benefit of hindsight, we can so easily analyse past relationships and friendships which change our view of the person. Sometimes someone isn't who you think they are and their actions may surprise you one day.
The way you saw your parents as a child is different to how you see them now. When you realise they had a rebellious teenage lifestyle you no longer perceive them as all knowing, all good deity-like individuals.

Nevertheless, I feel like I base my friendships and relationships around people who I click with upon first meeting or people who I feel are similar to me. Yet, in contrast I have friends who are so different to me that we get on like a house on fire; opposites attract. I often people watch on public transport or look at people who are merely just acquaintances and wonder whether some time in the future we could become great friends or even lovers. I admire someone on the bus and think, if I start talking to them today, will I be planning a holiday with them in a years time?
I often look at people in my life and think, if I'd known when we'd first met what we've been through now...how weird that I had no idea at that point in my life.

The Art of Letting Go

Letting go is one of the most difficult parts of human existence. It envelops us emotionally so it can't be cured by painkillers or physical operations. Letting go is something that we all have to face when it comes to death, break ups, lost friends, lost memories or simply just leaving somewhere to move on to pastures new.
And, sometimes, letting go or having to leave something can make you feel so much emotionally that it almost affects you physically.
Some people say that the way to hack this feeling is to never become attached to anything in the first place, whether its an attachment to a person, a place or even just an idea. But, you can't control the way you feel when something affects you so fiercely. It brings out the primal aspects of our being. We follow our hearts and souls and ignore logic. Yet, looking back, feeling attached, is so human. We shouldn't shun ourselves for allowing ourselves to feel this way because it just makes us human.
Some say that letting go can be compared to taking a hand out of water. The hand slips so easily out of water, some may say because the two are not attached and yet the reason we pull our hand out of the water in the first place is because of the will power to do just that. In the process, some water droplets still remain on the hand just like a piece of the person or place you have left, still remains with you for a time. The water droplets on your hand will eventually dry, just like the way that the feeling numbs over time.

My English teacher at college told me that he believes that one should not look back, but remembering the past in small doses can be wonderful. I agree with this because looking back may mean looking back on past mistakes, analysing events, worrying and simply worrying so much that it affects the way you live now when really, worrying about the past is of no use at all. When you lose something, it is tempting to revel in the way that it made you feel and to remember the familiarity of that person, place or idea. However, it is best to think of these changes as part of a path in life. Life changes, people come and go, you move on, you change and people change. You are moving onto another phase of your life where, because of the changes that have occurred, you may have different and more exciting opportunities for experiences that you never had before. Soon, the way things suddenly are, will become part of your comfort zone and new changes will come in time. Wallowing in the past will only stop you from embracing the present.

I suppose, when you hurt so much from losing something, you can be safe in the knowledge that you have the power to love. As cheesy as this sounds, it's undeniably true. Someone who can care, may be in danger of getting emotionally hurt, but, someone who cares is a million, billion times better than someone who doesn't care at all and lives their life numbed from emotion.

Here is a quote from The Little Prince which I think really sums up what I'm trying to say:

"Of course I'll hurt you. Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence."

If This isn't Nice, What is?

When Kurt Vonnegut spoke to Graduates in Georgia 1999, he told them many important truths. In reading this speech, it was what Vonnegut's Uncle Alex said which I was interested in the most.

"But about my Uncle Alex, who is up in Heaven now. One of the things he found objectionable about human beings was that they so rarely noticed it when they were happy"

This has struck a chord in me. I have thought about all the times I'd complained about anything at all. I thought about all the times when the news was bad and all the times when the topic of conversation was cynical - how very British: "Isn't the weather terrible?".

Perhaps the reason we notice when we're sad is because it's unusual to us. Most of the time we are content. When your nose isn't running and your throat isn't sore, you don't think about the fact that your nostrils are clear or your throat doesn't hurt because normally its okay. We notice the bad more than the good and we forget that life is better than we think it is.

Often, so much is to do with jealousy and considering what others have that we don't. Think about it. You've survived with what you have now for a long time. Do you really need more? I suppose now would be the perfect time to haul out the cliché that money doesn't buy you happiness. In a way, money adds to your general comfort and decreases stress when you know that you have enough. But, we too often think about what we don't have. We too often think about what could go wrong instead of what could go right. There is a little cynic in all of us.

I think the fact that we rarely notice it, says a lot about human happiness . I've tried to notice when I'm happy and to say or think, in the words of Vonnegut 'If this isn't nice? what is?'. As a humanity, we are rarely satisfied, constantly seeking happiness when the trick is to just accept the here and now instead of seeking it relentlessly. I don't know if there will ever be a means to an end in terms of seeking true happiness.

I think it's fascinating that happiness is something that so many great thinkers have considered and discussed be it Kurt Vonnegut, Blaise Pascal, Friedrich Nietzsche etc. It just proves even more just how much it matters to us and how much we seek it. I'm not going to put myself on par with these great thinkers but I'd at least like to contribute to the bigger questions.

Scared of the Dark

I wake in the middle of the night and stare into the blackness of my room. My eyes slowly adjust to the darkness and as they adjust, the outlines of the shapes of my room become more defined. At the same time, objects blend with objects to create images in my mind that spark superstitious thoughts - these are the offspring of my wild imagination. Shapes in the night look like monsters or murderers or animals who's only intention is to cause me harm. The night seems to enhance their power or just simply their likelihood of existing. I still see these shapes, even now, even though I should be past it. I know that since I can't really see them, maybe they can't really see me.
I also used to keep my door open at night. It was to let the light in, so my parents could make sure I was okay, so that I wouldn't shut any monsters in. Now, I shut my door to keep it all out.
I suppose part of growing up is realising that you can be wrong about things.

There are ways in which I feel like I am, unintentionally, growing up. I am no longer scared of the dark. I feel like I can advise those younger than me. I can understand that my parents are human and had lives before I existed. I am independent.
In this way, I don't mind becoming an adult because I know that I have a better understanding of the world, I have experience and I don't have to rely on others so much for my own welfare.

But, I loved being a child. I wish I had the same imagination and curiosity I had at nine years old when a climbing frame became a witches cauldron and the grass became a vast ocean and the garden held nooks and crannies where I could go to 'time travel'. I just loved the power my imagination had. It could unhinge reason in the greatest of ways.  I don't like the way my mind unhinges reason now - I over think reality rather than creating a whole new world. Reality and fantasy merge dangerously.

I didn't care about romance. Real heartbreak doesn't exist at nine years old.

I also miss the way that I always thought about the present and always lived in the present. So much of our lives is spent thinking about the past or the future and not so much about really living in the present.

As a legal adult, I don't feel like one at all. It's strange to think that I used to look up to people my age when I was younger, admiring how good they were at living and being some kind of magical adult type being - it is a myth. These 'adults' know what they're doing, where they going and have everything sussed. It's even stranger to think about how much I looked up to these adults and my parents only now to realise that they are fallible and not the deities I saw them as when I was a child - all knowing, all seeing, all powerful.
I used to think that mid-twenties was so old. I now have friends and cousins of that age and to me they still seem very young. Perhaps its because I'm not so far from being that age and the idea of being an adult frightens me.  Five years from now, I still think I'd feel the same.

I was desperate to grow up five years ago. Have I finally reached the age where I want to be younger?

Fourteen pieces of advice I found in 2014

Since I'd asked other people what they'd learnt in 2014, I thought I'd give my contribution. Here are fourteen things.

1. Life sucks, but not that much

I figured that when I'm down I'm usually worrying about something that doesn't matter. Nothing matters too much in the grand scheme of things. It's important to remember the good things too.

2. Some people don't get you, but there will always be some that do and that's okay

I found this out when I moved to university. When you're suddenly thrown into halls away from your old friends, you find that there are people you just don't click with. But it's something that happens throughout life and there will always be people you love as well.

3. Listen to music as you work

As much as you want to, don't listen to music with lyrics when you're trying to get some work done, listen to a film soundtrack or some kind of classical music. It honestly helped me so much in terms of productivity.

4.Embrace opportunities

At University, I've become lazy and I feel as though I haven't welcomed the incredible amount of opportunities available to me enough. When you embrace something new and it turns out to be worth it, it is the most amazing feeling.

5. Don't be afraid to take the lead

In a group situation, if you want something done, take the lead because chances are most people are too scared to start something first. And don't be afraid of your idea being rejected because at least you've suggested something and that's the first step to something fantastic.

6. Getting up early is a damn good thing

I realised if you get up early and face the day, you tend to be more productive and you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself, and healthier too

7. It's okay to have lazy days too

As long as it's not every day, know that you can treat yourself once in a while on a day where you can ignore your responsibilities for a little bit. It's good to have a balance and it's good to treat yourself sometimes.

8. You can learn a lot from the elderly

I took more time this year to get to know my Grandparents and their friends and, quite clearly, they have some damn good advice, so embrace it.

9. Individuals are awesome, find out more about people and their details

People like talking about themselves, and it's a beautiful thing when someone really opens up to you and you suddenly find out their life story, their thoughts and interests. It's like reading a book except it's real and fascinating when it happens. Ask people more about their lives.

10. Don't attack yourself for not doing exercise

You know what's more important than looking good? Being happy, having great friends and doing well in your job/education. People can get so worked up about their size that they fail to concentrate on the more important things in life. By all means exercise but know that the world won't end if you don't.

11. Don't let your day depend on social media or your phone

If you spend your day passing the time because you're waiting for a text, you're not going to have the quality of life that you need. Focus more on what you're going to achieve during the day or on what events are unfolding in real life and enjoy them. Texting is great but it shouldn't stop you from enjoying the real world at first hand.

12. Stop comparing yourself to others

Social media is simply filled with show-offs. We're all show-offs on social media and I know I am but when you get down because some one looks like they're having more fun than you. Chances are you're just not appreciating what you have in front of you enough.

13. Take pleasure in small things
Big and incredible things happen a lot but sometimes days in between adventures might seem tedious. It's important to notice little things that make you happy or little things that make your day slightly better, like when your pets are particularly affectionate or when you get to the bus stop as the bus is arriving.

14. Lastly, sometimes just sitting down with a cup of tea is immensely therapeutic
Sometimes, when I'm really stressed or upset about something I remember that tea exists and the feeling of a warm mug cupped within your hands, watching the world go by silently for a couple of minutes is incredibly relaxing.