Scared of the Dark

I wake in the middle of the night and stare into the blackness of my room. My eyes slowly adjust to the darkness and as they adjust, the outlines of the shapes of my room become more defined. At the same time, objects blend with objects to create images in my mind that spark superstitious thoughts - these are the offspring of my wild imagination. Shapes in the night look like monsters or murderers or animals who's only intention is to cause me harm. The night seems to enhance their power or just simply their likelihood of existing. I still see these shapes, even now, even though I should be past it. I know that since I can't really see them, maybe they can't really see me.
I also used to keep my door open at night. It was to let the light in, so my parents could make sure I was okay, so that I wouldn't shut any monsters in. Now, I shut my door to keep it all out.
I suppose part of growing up is realising that you can be wrong about things.

There are ways in which I feel like I am, unintentionally, growing up. I am no longer scared of the dark. I feel like I can advise those younger than me. I can understand that my parents are human and had lives before I existed. I am independent.
In this way, I don't mind becoming an adult because I know that I have a better understanding of the world, I have experience and I don't have to rely on others so much for my own welfare.

But, I loved being a child. I wish I had the same imagination and curiosity I had at nine years old when a climbing frame became a witches cauldron and the grass became a vast ocean and the garden held nooks and crannies where I could go to 'time travel'. I just loved the power my imagination had. It could unhinge reason in the greatest of ways.  I don't like the way my mind unhinges reason now - I over think reality rather than creating a whole new world. Reality and fantasy merge dangerously.

I didn't care about romance. Real heartbreak doesn't exist at nine years old.

I also miss the way that I always thought about the present and always lived in the present. So much of our lives is spent thinking about the past or the future and not so much about really living in the present.

As a legal adult, I don't feel like one at all. It's strange to think that I used to look up to people my age when I was younger, admiring how good they were at living and being some kind of magical adult type being - it is a myth. These 'adults' know what they're doing, where they going and have everything sussed. It's even stranger to think about how much I looked up to these adults and my parents only now to realise that they are fallible and not the deities I saw them as when I was a child - all knowing, all seeing, all powerful.
I used to think that mid-twenties was so old. I now have friends and cousins of that age and to me they still seem very young. Perhaps its because I'm not so far from being that age and the idea of being an adult frightens me.  Five years from now, I still think I'd feel the same.

I was desperate to grow up five years ago. Have I finally reached the age where I want to be younger?

Fourteen pieces of advice I found in 2014

Since I'd asked other people what they'd learnt in 2014, I thought I'd give my contribution. Here are fourteen things.

1. Life sucks, but not that much

I figured that when I'm down I'm usually worrying about something that doesn't matter. Nothing matters too much in the grand scheme of things. It's important to remember the good things too.

2. Some people don't get you, but there will always be some that do and that's okay

I found this out when I moved to university. When you're suddenly thrown into halls away from your old friends, you find that there are people you just don't click with. But it's something that happens throughout life and there will always be people you love as well.

3. Listen to music as you work

As much as you want to, don't listen to music with lyrics when you're trying to get some work done, listen to a film soundtrack or some kind of classical music. It honestly helped me so much in terms of productivity.

4.Embrace opportunities

At University, I've become lazy and I feel as though I haven't welcomed the incredible amount of opportunities available to me enough. When you embrace something new and it turns out to be worth it, it is the most amazing feeling.

5. Don't be afraid to take the lead

In a group situation, if you want something done, take the lead because chances are most people are too scared to start something first. And don't be afraid of your idea being rejected because at least you've suggested something and that's the first step to something fantastic.

6. Getting up early is a damn good thing

I realised if you get up early and face the day, you tend to be more productive and you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself, and healthier too

7. It's okay to have lazy days too

As long as it's not every day, know that you can treat yourself once in a while on a day where you can ignore your responsibilities for a little bit. It's good to have a balance and it's good to treat yourself sometimes.

8. You can learn a lot from the elderly

I took more time this year to get to know my Grandparents and their friends and, quite clearly, they have some damn good advice, so embrace it.

9. Individuals are awesome, find out more about people and their details

People like talking about themselves, and it's a beautiful thing when someone really opens up to you and you suddenly find out their life story, their thoughts and interests. It's like reading a book except it's real and fascinating when it happens. Ask people more about their lives.

10. Don't attack yourself for not doing exercise

You know what's more important than looking good? Being happy, having great friends and doing well in your job/education. People can get so worked up about their size that they fail to concentrate on the more important things in life. By all means exercise but know that the world won't end if you don't.

11. Don't let your day depend on social media or your phone

If you spend your day passing the time because you're waiting for a text, you're not going to have the quality of life that you need. Focus more on what you're going to achieve during the day or on what events are unfolding in real life and enjoy them. Texting is great but it shouldn't stop you from enjoying the real world at first hand.

12. Stop comparing yourself to others

Social media is simply filled with show-offs. We're all show-offs on social media and I know I am but when you get down because some one looks like they're having more fun than you. Chances are you're just not appreciating what you have in front of you enough.

13. Take pleasure in small things
Big and incredible things happen a lot but sometimes days in between adventures might seem tedious. It's important to notice little things that make you happy or little things that make your day slightly better, like when your pets are particularly affectionate or when you get to the bus stop as the bus is arriving.

14. Lastly, sometimes just sitting down with a cup of tea is immensely therapeutic
Sometimes, when I'm really stressed or upset about something I remember that tea exists and the feeling of a warm mug cupped within your hands, watching the world go by silently for a couple of minutes is incredibly relaxing.

An Experiment on Reflection at Christmas

Every Boxing Day my Grandparents host a wild party with all the pensioners on the block plus a few others and the rest of my family. Traditionally, each member of the family should provide some kind of entertainment for the guests and this year I was stuck. However, I eventually decided to run an exercise on reflection.

I asked each guest to write down something they'd learned or a piece of advice from 2014 and I've written down the results. They're really quite lovely.

Some were poignant and thoughtful...

• No one ever quite disbelieves flattery 
• Never be afraid to fail
• Nothing matters too much in the grand scheme of things
• Be happy for others
• Australia and the Australians have far more history than I imagined
• It's nice to keep up with old friends
• The value of travel

Others were more humorous and light hearted...

• I have funny knees [wrote my cousin in response to others noticing that his knees bend backwards a little]
• just realised.. my memory recall is abysmal
• Curiosity may have killed the cat but it was doing what came naturally
• Anchor my Bonsai Trees against the high winds
• Contrary to popular belief, they don't stand upside down in Australia
• Don't live anywhere with "Puddle" in the name [my cousins live in Puddletown and previously lived in Tincleton]
• We've got a rat in our back garden
• Mistook a twitching cat's tail for a mouse that had to be caught [Should've gone to Specsavers]
• To use an ipad, hooray!
• Keep clear of rivers
• Not to trust in the arrival every hour of the 31 Bus [This made the villagers laugh when I read this one out]

But this is what my Grandpa wrote and it is by far my favourite...

• We learnt that the roof will rot, pipes will leak, electrical equipment will fail and copper cylinders will wear out. We are now sorrier, poorer and wiser. 

What I discovered was that you can learn a lot from others and every year brings new revelations. I'm glad I did this and I think I will do the same next time to see what the new year brings. Bring on 2015.

God might be dead, but Music isn't

"Without music, life would be a mistake"

Friedrich Nietzsche wasn't exactly an optimistic man. Remembered for such classic one-liners as "God is dead" and "to live is to suffer", he isn't the kind of guy you'd want to make a speech at your wedding. Compared to these quotations, his opinions on music juxtapose drastically.

When you stop and think about it (which I do a lot) there is very little that every human has in common. Most of us enjoy a good story, making a fuss of cats and sending ugly snapchats, but there's usually an exception. Music is universally loved, and therefore utterly unique.

‘Music’ is a broad term, though. I’m not suggesting that you play Turn Down For What to a room full of pensioners. Equally, Beethoven’s 7th Symphony is not adequate for a drive to theatre with your friends. I learnt this the hard way. Let’s not forget, some music can divide people just as easily as it can bring them together. However, consider a song like Bohemian Rhapsody, which is known and loved by people regardless of their differences in age, in singing ability, in personality and background. Music is a unifying force, with the unparalleled ability to evoke emotion and bring people together. There’s a reason why almost all countries have a national anthem.

Music permeates into every aspect of our lives, and yet we never get bored of it. My dad blasts out Michael Jackson on a Sunday morning in the same way he has for 30 years. I hope in 30 years my kids will be woken up to the sound of me singing along to A Day To Remember, Woodkid and Green Day. I know that by this point these bands will probably have been relegated to the position of “ancient bands no one cares about” by the youthful generation, but if there’s one thing music can do, it’s endure.

Another thing I love about music is that we can never fully understand it. How is it that a variety of seemingly random sounds, played in a certain order, at a certain pitch and to a specific beat, can turn a bad day into a good one? All of us have songs which make us feel great, which make us feel morose, ones which take us back to the best of memories, ones which make us irresistibly think of a certain person, ones that make the hairs on the back of our necks stand up and salute. I love the fact that I can be sat in a university dorm room 100 miles from Ash, and a single song can take me home. The phenomenon of music is not a comprehendible one, and never will be. The idea of a group of scientists in lab coats conducting experiments on Nevermind is laughable. I think it’s important that there are still a few aspects of life that remain a mystery.

So listen to music; really listen. When you’re really focusing on the music you’re listening to, you are truly living in the moment, and that’s an incredibly hard thing to do. Although music is a love that we share with billions, everyone’s musical palette is idiosyncratic. I feel like a lot of people feel slightly ashamed of their music tastes, and that should never be the case. Whatever you’re into, be it rock, rap, house, pop, reggae or post-60s-progressive-neu-punk-metal-crunkcore, love it, and dance like nobody is watching. Believe it or not, Nietzsche had something to say about that, too:

“Those who were seen dancing were considered insane by those who could not hear the music”.

My first homecoming

As a fresher, this was an experience that will remain a strong memory. It was full of realisation and happiness and I can only hope that others can talk of the same relationship with home.
This is a short anecdote but nevertheless a personal insight into my thoughts.

After four weeks of non-stop working and socialising and discovering, I returned to a strangely familiar place I called home. The word 'home' had seeped its way into my vocabulary over the past few weeks in reference to a different place - my new flat in halls.
Upon returning, the first thing I did was try to start my dented, old, rusted, blue car. Clearly my want of adventure never ceased because here I was. I was trying to drive a car that refused to start, abandoned for a month with a grudge against me for leaving it to rust a little more. I think it missed me and I missed it too.
So, I sped down country roads blaring The Smiths as loud as I possibly could with my dad in the passenger seat duetting with Morrisey to 'This Charming Man' like the best friend I never had. The occasion became a memory. It was another memory I could keep of the life I lead back home.

Soon enough I was indulging in the luxuries of non-student life - the food that wasn't own brand, A hot bath and a flat screen TV. I ran around like I was five years old at Disneyland, on a mad frenzy, taking it all in as much as possible. I ran to my cats with hugs and strokes, ignoring their avid attempts to escape my grasp of long lost affection. I ran upstairs to fall daringly backwards on to my parents' double bed, feeling the rush of the air past my ears before landing upon blankets dominated with the smell of washing powder and dust from an old house. I ran to every window to see a different view, faintly remembering all the different ways they looked in each season.

Some attractions in this house were big but the attractions that were small were somehow more fulfilling.

I boiled the kettle just to hear the satisfying click.

But, later on in the evening I was caught by emotion. I was sitting on the sofa in front of 'Have I Got News For You' in my pyjamas with a cup of hot tea, facing our warm, open fireplace. I took in my surroundings again, calmer this time, observant. To my left was the wooden statue of a giraffe my parents had brought back from Africa, to my right a mask from India. Behind me was a grandiose mirror, an antique passed down through my family and the fireplace was ornate and slightly out of place. My old house bore strange looking beams on every wall and ceiling. Upstairs my dad was tucking my little brother into bed. The familiarity stunned me, I never realised how much I'd missed the simple things. All my family were home at once this weekend and this being such a rare occasion, it felt like Christmas. It was a wonderful quality of life.

Strange, how enlightening it was to realise the real differences between university life and home. After talking to a few different people, I realise that they have had different experiences of coming home. Some people left it longer before returning and so their feelings may be stronger. On the other hand, some people have returned home almost every other weekend so the feeling won't be as strong. Others have found the return more relaxing rather than emotional. However, the first homecoming is significant and certainly a great relief to anyone feeling homesick.

To anyone reading this who might be homesick, home would not be home if you do not miss it. Feeling this way means appreciating what you really have. Hang on in there. It takes surprisingly little time for something wonderful to happen that will distract you from missing home so much and maybe it will make life a little more bearable for now. Hold on to this sentiment and know that you are not alone.