Short Letter to My Past Self

Dear Alice, specifically year 10 Alice. Age 14/15 Alice.

You do not yet know the effects of perspective. Despite your anxieties about the space you are living in, you will pull through. You are intimidated by the girls who surround you, enclosed in a ten bed dorm in boarding school. The bubble is indeed hard to pop. 

So, look at the stars more often. Try and put your life in perspective. Embrace your difference to them. But, don't rebel against the norms just for the sake of rebelling. Try as hard as you can not to romanticise sadness. 

You have just started your GCSE year. They will be the hardest exams you will take. Not because of their difficulty but because you will have to fill your mind with information you do not want to learn the way they teach it in schools. You do not like maths. You do not like science. I would tell you to appreciate your education but I still don't know how algebra will help you in later life.

I know you have your heart set on Cambridge or Oxford and you are so capable of getting there. Unfortunately you won't get there.

But, honestly, that doesn't matter one bit. In fact I believe that where I am now is better and more comfortable and much more suited to you than Cambridge or Oxford would ever be. You are going to have the time of your life at university. Trust me. 19 year old you says so. So, try not to pinch yourself every time you get something wrong. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Make glorious amazing mistakes. Even if it means dyeing your hair purple or black or keeping that awful side fringe. This is because you'll learn how god damn horrific it looks and you'll sort it out soon enough.

Please stop ironically wearing 3D glasses with the lenses popped out.

Don't fret about your body. You will not be a tall, skinny model by 19 but you will be so much more confident.

So then, your future. A lot will happen in four years so prepare yourself. You are yet to meet a couple of friends whom I'm sure you will have for life. It's worth it to keep breathing just for that. You are yet to discover how much you love reading and writing and you are yet to discover what you will go on to do as a degree (it's history by the way). You're not passionate about History yet. Well... who is? I guess you'll realise that it's your best subject and whilst that does not seem likely now, A Level will make it seem much more exciting.

Don't you worry about the hierarchy of popularity that seems to be present at all secondary schools. That tends to disappear once you get to A Levels and will be non-existent once you get to University.

Do not, and I repeat, Do not fret so much about boys. Do not ask them out by text.

Appreciate life a little more. Maybe boarding school is not the best place to discover new and amazing things but there is beauty in the most mundane spaces. Watch American Beauty and discover that even a plastic bag blowing in the breeze can be beautiful. Watch out for Katy Perrys.

Breathe because you will travel to Ghana within a year. Breathe because you will know how it feels to fall in love. Breathe because you will realise how much you value your family. Breathe because you will have incredible opportunities. I am writing this the night before I set off to travel Europe. You have that and so much more to look forward to.

Alice (2015)